Return of the Ancient Gods Page 7

  “I'll behave.”

  “You said that before. Now sit down. Standing makes it seem like it has a purpose, and you got no purpose left in you.”

  I sat. Why the hell not? I wasn't anxious to co-experiment with the bitch.

  “As I was saying, you asked to be here. We were simply accommodating your lunacy. I am charged with collecting some general data from you, and then I'll be passing you along to the DDD gods with infinite pleasure.”

  “DDD?”

  “Department of Death Dismemberment. Triple D. They're the kind of guys you only meet once, if you know what I mean. So, on to the questions. How did you detect the antimatter without disrupting it?”

  “No.”

  “Hmm. No is not an option. If you think about it, pinhead, I wasn't posing a yes or no query.”

  “I mean no, I'm not playing your silly game. You, box head, already told me I'm heading for DDD very soon. If I don't participate, what, you’re going to send me somewhere worse?”

  She squared up to me. “That is an option. And before you shoot your damn fool mouth off, yes, there are many places worse than dismembered death. Do not tempt fate.” Then she did the strangest thing. She genuflected and tapped her hand to her forehead.

  “I'll make you a deal, goddess not of moisture. Help me out and I'll help you in return.”

  “Hang on a second while I charge up my finger. It's double jeopardy time where the voltage really builds up.”

  “Ah, so you're too limited of intellect and curiosity to imagine doing anything you haven't done one million times before. I pity your small existence.”

  “I'm outta here, Ryan. We do for one fleeting moment share something in common. I pity you for what comes next.” She turned and began leaving.

  “Buck, buck, buckaaah,” I said with attitude.

  That stopped her. Made her shake a little too, which was gravy.

  She spun on one snake stump. “In all the infinite expanse of time, no one's ever called me chicken. No one.”

  I raised a didactic finger. “Not actually true. I just did, McFly.”

  She had trouble speaking, she was so angry. Pissing off a vengeful god. Hey, it was a new personal best for me. Go Team Ryan.

  “No more idle banter.” Her tone, her very presence were entirely different. Much more formal and postured. “You may ask a few questions, one for each you answer. Then you will learn what it means to infuriate a god.”

  “And to tempt fate,” I said in my best channeling of Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry. I totally wanted to see how she'd react to my saying fate.

  She reacted immediately and reflexively. She genuflected again and tapped her head. For whatever the hell it was worth, I learned something essential to the ancient gods. They feared fate. There was no other reason to give automatic reverence for it. Fate, whatever that meant to them, had ahold of their short hairs. Nice to know.

  “Why question me before DDDing me?”

  “You haven't answered my question yet.” She continued with the whole stilted godly facade.

  “I used a mass spectrometer to analyze the remains of one of your victims. It has an internal magnetic resonance transducer that moved the antimatter without triggering an annihilation.”

  “You just made that up.”

  “I stand before you, do I not? Now answer my question.”

  “Demographics. Why did …”

  “Not so fast, babe. Demographics is a word, a noun, not a proper answer to a simple question.”

  She sighed a few times. “We collect rough demographics on acquisitions. That way we can better understand which civilizations are at what level of development, whether they cluster in any pattern, and if they work collaboratively or independently.”

  “You're shitting me, lady. Are you gods or are you accountants?”

  “It's my turn for a question, not yours. Why did you non-randomly manipulate the antimatter? You must have figured out something catastrophic would result. Combustion, disappearance, toads, something biblical.”

  “Biblical,” I said, pointing at her. “That's what Ralph called you too.”

  “Who's Ralph?”

  “Ah ah. My turn's next. No cuts in line, sneaky greedy. I came to see what the hell was up with you jokers. If you didn't cut muster by my standards, I'd DDD you.”

  She burst out laughing. It was genuine too, not done for effect.

  “If you hurt my feelings I'll unleash my wrath on you first, Tefnuf with an f.”

  “Sorry, sorry,” she said, trying to catch her breath. “Sorry.” She sniffed loudly. “That sure felt good. No, here's the problem, minuscule fool. You can't end us. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.”

  “You've never seen me motivated.”

  “Ooooh,” she responded, shaking her snakes in the air. She collected herself. “Since your answer was so darn cute, I'll gift you some four-one-one. You can't destroy us because no one can. We will only be defeated when the prophecy comes to pass. You ain't it, sweetie.”

  “What is the prediction?”

  “The gods will fall only when three miracles that are one work as two.”

  “That's a subliterate prophecy.”

  “Be that as it may, even if you were one miracle, you're not three.”

  “Give me time.”

  “Back to the task at hand. One last question, then you’ll wish you were only dead.”

  “Yes.”

  “I haven't asked the question yet.”

  “True, but my answer is yes. I will marry you.”

  “Oh, that's going to cost you. Your final resting state just got three levels of magnitude worse. Last question. Did you think you could escape once you came here? Spoiler alert. Every Joe six-pack says yes with pathetic bravado.”

  “I didn't care. If I returned, cool. If I couldn't, at least I'd know I'd saved the universe from you scum puddles.”

  “You look human. You ever see Forrest Gump? You remind me strangely of him.”

  “I did, and I look forward to pissing on your grave. My last question. You don't know this because you're, well, dull and pointless. Fate has a messenger. You're looking at him, cupcake. I am the one chosen to put a dent in your dreams.” I loved the expression chosen. Very ooooh supernatural.

  She naturally genuflected and tapped her forehead. She also looked stunned. Outstanding.

  “There is no fate but what one makes.” She naturally did her ceremony thing.

  “Beg pardon?”

  “It's a Truth. There are few, but that is one.”

  “I'm sure you have a point, not a neurologic condition.”

  “What I make cannot have a messenger.”

  “Silly child. So old yet so naive.” I made it a point to really be super-condescending. Lucky for me, it was like my specialty. I was running blind but I wanted to convey confidence. “There is no fate but what one makes. Don't you see? I am that one. The prophecy doesn't refer to each individual, Ms. Get Over Yourself.”

  She was momentarily taken back. Seriously. Tefnuf all but quaked in her boots, assuming there were boots made to fit snake feet. Then she returned to lofty and menacing. “Another Truth. Words are not deeds. You talk big, but you are as powerless as still air.”

  “Oh yeah? How about this?” I had one big trick up my sleeve. I was equipped with an internal space-time congruity manipulator, basically a super force field. Nothing could pass through it. It'd saved my bacon countless times before. The only problem was I was as trapped inside as everyone else was kept outside the membrane.

  I switched it on and prayed hard she couldn't crack my shell. I was totally unable to see what was going on outside my shield. It hit me that the only way I'd know my defense was effective would be if I wasn't obliterated while concealed. Not a very reassuring realization.

  One trick I'd learned along the way was that if I shaped the shield as a sphere, I could roll it. The momentum I generated inside the sphere was conserved, causing the entire ball to move.
I was a hamster in one of those rolling balls. I didn't want to be right where I'd disappeared from, so I moved to a dark corner I'd chosen while bantering with the bitchy god. Healthiest not to be too easy of a target for study or a chance to open my shell. When viewed from the outside, a membrane looked like nothing. I always compared it to what you could see out of the back of your head. Not blackness, just nothing. Since a careful observer could see nothingness moving, I did so quickly and all at once. I didn't want to give Tefnuf a chance to get used to what she was witnessing.

  After that, I hunkered down. I knew my disappearance would piss her off royally. I assumed the room around me was being pelted with flames, jolts, and juicy curse words. I had no idea how long she'd rage. We were both immortals, so the bombardment could last a very long time indeed. But I couldn't sit tight and wait her out. No. I had a universe to save. I could only hide out so long.

  After a short while I began to feel my pseudo-skin crawl. It was a most odd and unexpected sensation. Never in two billion years had it happened. My immediate reaction was oh shit. I mean, anything new just had to be bad. The natural assumption was Tefnuf was opening my protective barrier and I was feeling it. I checked the stability gauges. All were within specs. The was no evidence she was making headway. Out of the corner of one eye I sensed a vague wavy glimmering. I turned. There was a sheet of … I didn't know what to call it. Stuff? The flat object began expanding and morphing in what seemed to be a random pattern of cones, spheres, and irregular shapes. The glittery quality waxed and waned slightly. I had no clue what I was staring at. Whatever it was, however, shouldn't be there and couldn't be a positive development. Those I never got.

  I slowly approached the blob. It did not react to my movement in any way I could tell. I inched my hand into the shimmering. Nothing. I couldn't feel anything. I retracted my hand and extended my probe fibers toward it. They found no purchase, sailing right into the mirage but then falling lazily to the floor. I'd never had that happen either. Something was there, but the only way the probes would miss their target was if nothing was there. Crap, another disgusting paradox.

  I backed away and leaned against the membrane's inner wall. “What the hell are you, shiny spook?” I said to myself out loud. A word about speaking. I'd learned quite a few languages by then and knew thousands more because, hey, I was a robot. But in thinking, speaking to Al, or out loud to myself I still used English. That helped to explain the startling response I got.

  “Wh … what … I …”

  I could easily have been knocked over with a really tiny feather. This shiny blob in only God knew where I was not only understood English, it spoke my lingo.

  “Did you understand me?” I pressed quickly.

  “What am I?” it said rather clearly.

  “Wait, are you just repeating the sounds I make?” Having a mockingbird shiny blob in my vortex would be a lot less notable than one that spoke American.

  “Understand? Do I understand what I am?”

  “That's not exactly what I asked. But if you could answer that one instead that'd be totally fine.”

  “No.”

  Short but sweet. I was also stoked because I hadn't used the word no for it to parrot. But I shouldn't have realistically anticipated getting much objective help from an entity that didn't know what it was. I was less clueless than it and I was completely in the dark.

  “So, you are here and you understand me, but you don't know what you are. That 'bout sum it up?”

  There was a silent pause of almost a minute. “You … re … re … correct.”

  “Hang on. Are you one of those non-corporeal beings, like a Luminarian? Them I'm not so keen on.”

  “No. I am not a being because I am not.”

  “You're not a being because you're not? Duh. You're not a cabbage either because you're not a leafy vegetable.”

  “No. I am not.”

  This was going nowhere slowly. “Look, I'm kind of busy. There's an angry god out there trying to kill me and devour my universe. So maybe you could go vex someone else with your annoying word-salad conversation.”

  “Tefnuf is mad.”

  Hey, this emanation knew the fat god’s name and what she was doing. I needed to rethink blowing it off. “On second thought, you seem like a real neighborly kind of shiny quasi-existent aggregation of ectoplasm. I'd like you to stay. Please.”

  “I am not. Nothing cannot stay.”

  In the game of Chutes and Ladders, I landed on the big chute. “You are here, so you can stay here.” I pointed to the floor because I was such an idiot.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay then. You understand. You aren't not.” Crap soup, what was I babbling about?

  “You misunderstand. I may remain here with you, but I am not. I do not exist.”

  “Oh, I get it. When you say you're not, you mean to say you don't exist. But if you don't exist what am I parlaying with?” I pointed back and forth between us because I was ready to lose it.

  “I do not know.”

  “Time-out. Here's a summary of the action so far. You do not exist but you speak English. You can hang around even though there's no way in hell you got in here.”

  “Football.”

  “Huh?”

  “Time-out. Football.”

  I was about done. “Yeah. The game of football has time-outs. Three per half.” I patted my jumpsuit. “Wish I had a treat to reward you with. Fresh out.”

  “Not a problema.”

  Spanglish? Now it spoke Spanglish. This was so weird. Then a thought hit me. “Can you check if Tefnuf is done being pissed and let me know?”

  “Yes.” And it didn't budge. Of course.

  “Ah, how can you check from inside my membrane?”

  “I cannot.”

  “But you said you'd check out what she's up to.”

  “No. I said …” He drifted off for a few seconds. “I can check.”

  Oh bother. The thing was an editor. “Would you please go check on Tefnuf's status and report back to me her major activities?”

  “Yes, but I cannot do that and stay here.”

  I ran a hand though my hair. “No. No you sure can't, can you?” I wagged a finger at it. “Here's a plan. You leave for a very short time and then return after having checked out old Tefnuf's status.”

  “So you don't want me to stay here like you just said …” There it drifted away and trailed off speaking a few seconds. “Said you wanted me to?”

  “I want you to mostly stay but also leave just a little. A tiny skosh.” I pinched my fingers close together because I was just that lame.

  “Ah. I'll be away as little as possible. Then I'll be here staying.”

  “Good little blob. I'll stay put right where I stand.” I pointed to the floor because I was just about to kill that nonexistent blob.

  The shimmering moved toward a wall, passed through it like it wasn't there, and was gone. I had an irresistible urge to fire up the engine and gun it, ditch this amalgamation of confusing. Then I remembered to my chagrin that I wasn't in Stingray. I had no idea where she'd ended up.

  Quicker than I'd have guessed it was back, sparking and twisting in the air right in front of me. “Did you miss me?”

  On no. Lame humor. I was confronting an editor who performed stand-up in New York clubs after work. “If it helps I did. What's up?” I immediately regretted that query.

  “The opposite of down? I give up. What's up?”

  “What activity is Tefnuf engaged in?”

  “I'll tell you, but then you must tell me what's up.”

  “Deal.” I drew a palm roughly down my face.

  “She is still raging. She has recruited three additional gods to help her. Well, that's not technically correct. One is Dolfene. She's a demigod. Her grandmother, Porcillanna, was a mortal. She was a Thigbillarian tree on Gaphthos.”

  I was going to take a pass on bashing him for the TMI. I still needed his help. “Thanks for the clarity. I'd hate to overestimate
the strength of my opponents.”

  “Hemdilby and Bazuranititity are focusing their powers on, eh, how can I say it? Ah, destroying the room outside randomly. Yes. There is basically no room any longer.”

  “Did they seem to notice my force field?”

  No answer.

  “Did they act in a manner suggesting they knew a portion of the room was encased in a force field?”

  “I am not sure. I think not.”

  “Why didn't you say that the first time I asked?”

  “Does it matter which question I answer if there are more than one but they are the same?”

  “No. Yes. No, no. Look, it would matter, but only if you knew I was going to ask the same thing multiple times. Since you can't, you have to answer the first time you're asked.”

  “But I did.”

  Okay, maybe I could choke it a little. I mean, not kill it or anything. Just nearly with my bare hands.

  “You said using their powers. Are Hemdilby's and Bazurani-whatever's powers different than each other’s and Tefnuf's?” I stopped, but jumped right back in before it could make my more loco. “And don't say Bazurani-whatever wasn't there, but whatever Bazurani-whatever's actual name is.”

  “You seem stress ridden. May I help?”

  Is there an erupting volcano nearby you could hurl yourself into? “No, thank you.”

  “And now, player number one, back to my original question.”

  “I do not understand my nature.”

  “Not that original question … oooohhhh …. the question just before the one you answered by asking if you could help.”

  “You seem stress ridden. May I help?”

  “Yes, that one.” I pointed to the floor in front of it because I was completely lost.

  “No, I was stating for a second time that you seemed …”

  “Stop, halt, do not proceed, shut up, and talk no more. Are the four gods … no, I meant three and a half gods' powers the same or different?” Did I have aspirin with me? Morphine? I needed something and I needed it badly.

  “Yes.”

  “No.”

  “That is the other possibility, but the correct answer is yes.”

  I counted to seventy-eight. It took that long to figure out if I counted to double infinity it wouldn't lessen my anger. “Yes their powers are the same, or yes they are different?” I started to relax back into enraged silence when I saw the trap. “Belay that question because you'd just answer ….”